Can Too Much Sex Ruin Your Relationship?

What You Don't Know About The “Big O” Can Wreck Your Relationship!

10.02.2009 – Why are so many marriages and relationships failing? Why do friendships that turn into love affairs so often turn sour? Could it have something to do with our biology, the way we're wired, our neurochemical reactions to sexual stimulation?

After a brief honeymoon period, the force that brings lovers together can also push them apart. The culprit is an ancient program in the mammalian part of the brain—Cupid's poisoned arrow. Lovers can start to look to each other like that fifth slice of pizza. They may even wonder if they have fallen out of love.

By making love often, but smarter, mates can counter depression, anxiety, sexual frustration and disharmony--and tap into another ancient subconscious language that strengthens emotional bonds effortlessly.

The key to employing this other approach in the bedroom is to rethink some of the most popular mainstream beliefs about orgasm and relationships.

Common belief #1: The more intense the orgasmic sex, the better for a relationship.

Truth: That “I'm done!” feeling after lots of hot sex is a subconscious signal to the primitive part of the brain—to find your mate less and less appealing, while novel potential mates register as especially attractive.

When scientists treated female monkeys so that they were always in the mood (thanks to daily hormones), the males copulated less and less frequently and with declining enthusiasm...over a 3.5 year period. But when the scientists replaced those females with different females (same hormonal treatment), the males returned to their original zest for sex...at least for a time. Scientists know this phenomenon of tiring of a mate after sexual satiation as “the Coolidge Effect.” It has been seen in all mammals tested, even in females.

Common belief #2: Frequent orgasm is the best way to stay in love with each other.

Truth: It seems this way because at the beginning of a new relationship, lovers are flooded with “honeymoon neurochemistry.” It pumps us up with adrenaline, dopamine, and nerve growth factor, makes us obsessed with each other, and urges us to have lots of reckless sex…so fertilization is more likely. But it doesn’t last.

What really bonds lovers is bonding behaviors. These derive from infant-caregiver cues. In lovers, they would be things like skin-to-skin contact, kissing with lips and tongues, comforting stroking, generous acts, wordless sounds of contentment, gentle intercourse and so forth.

These are not foreplay. Foreplay increases sexual tension; these behaviors soothe. They ease the defensiveness in a primitive part of the brain with relaxed affection. We stay bonded with those we associate with comforting intimacy. This is "the lazy way to stay in love." To be effective, bonding behaviors need to be daily, even if they are brief.

Common belief #3: The orgasm cycle ends with the refractory period.

Truth: Orgasm is actually the beginning of a far longer cycle of changes, right between our ears. The initial high is an intense rush of neurochemicals. In fact, a Dutch researcher once commented that brain scans of people climaxing resemble brain scans of people shooting heroin. What goes up must come down.

It takes up to 15 days for the brain to return to equilibrium. During this time neurochemical “ripples” can cause uncharacteristic mood swings. The feelings are so subtle that most lovers never connect them with climax. However, they can make us cranky, dissatisfied, frustrated, apathetic… This is when you may feel like your wife is constantly nagging, or like your husband isn’t pulling his weight around the house. Yet the problem is actually that you’re temporarily a neurochemical “black hole,” no matter what your partner does. This friction serves biology…by making novel partners look really good.

Common belief #4: Orgasm is the only path to sexual satisfaction.

Truth: For thousands of years various cultures have distinguished between two kinds of sex. One is for procreation; the other for nurturing and harmonizing. It’s almost like we have two pedals in our brains: one for mating and one for bonding. It’s up to us to deliver the signals for the results we want.

In fact, among our primate cousins, macaque male monkeys ejaculate in scarcely half of their copulations. And the infamous bonobo chimps (whose males sport supersize testicles), often engage in “ rather casual and relaxed” sexual activity for social bonding, frequently without orgasm. For pair-bonders like us, non-goal-oriented affection may be even more beneficial.

Lovers can discover the truth for themselves. Try another approach to sex for three weeks. (Program in the back of Cupid's Poisoned Arrow.) Then go back to business as usual, and see what you notice. What have you got to lose?

As my husband says, “When I don’t finish, the primitive part of my brain stays enchanted with you.” There’s a playful, lighthearted feeling. We have more energy. We feel more affectionate, and paradoxically, also less sexually frustrated (assuming we stay with a very relaxed approach to sex). See the experiences of other couples, too.

Common belief #5: Frequent orgasm is good for you.

Truth: Have you seen those popular articles about how good for you sex is? Frequent sex is good for you, but the most powerful benefits appear to be coming from affectionate touch and close, trusted companionship rather than from orgasm itself.

Research confirms that warm touch (including intercourse) and close, trusted companionship soothe our nervous system, support good health and increase longevity. This is what makes us feel safe enough to bond. It may even be the key to better sex!

In contrast, climax, and more particularly, its extended, hidden neurochemical cycle, can cause cracks to appear. For example, frequent, or especially intense, orgasm may create tolerance (a need for increasing stimulation to achieve orgasm), growing need for sexual enhancement drugs, preoccupation with cues that excite sexual arousal (because the brain is urgently seeking neurochemical relief from post-orgasmic lows), and relationship friction in long-term relationships due to hidden neurochemical fluctuations, which shift partners' perceptions of each other for the worse.

Incidentally, there is a popular notion that frequent ejaculation will prevent prostate cancer. However, studies have gone both ways, and the medical profession as a whole does not consider orgasm frequency to be a risk factor for prostate disease. Now it appears that prostate cancer is likely to be related to sexually transmitted illnesses.

In short, keeping our relationships stable and harmonious by remembering an ancient way to make love may be better protection for our health than frequent orgasm. Who knew?

Ask a Question or Add Your Comment

Twitter Pitch: What You Don't Know About The “Big O” Can Wreck Your Relationship!; Tweet It!

News Facts

That "I'm done!" feeling after sex can make a mate look less appealing over the following days.
"Honeymoon neurochemistry" fades within two years at the latest.
Bonding behaviors are the best way for couples to stay bonded over the long haul.
Orgasm sets off a cycle of neurochemical events that may last as long as two weeks.
Various cultures distinguished between sex for procreation and sex for closer bonds.