In recent years, we've heard a lot about how the brain in love triggers neurochemical reactions for infatuation, lust and attachment. Too often, however, those phases don't last and are followed by boredom, irritability, heartache, the urge to self-medicate with drugs or alcohol-and attraction to new potential mates. Marnia Robinson's latest book, Cupid's Poisoned Arrow: From Habit to Harmony in Sexual Relationships, zeroes in on this untold part of the story: how and why biology dissolves our romances, and what we can do about it.
Cupid turns conventional sex advice on its head. Yet its innovative ideas for sustaining intimate relationships are carefully grounded in:
--Recent neuroscience discoveries,
--Forgotten wisdom from cultures worldwide, and
--The personal experience of couples and singles who share their stories in the book.
The part of the brain where we fall in love (the limbic system) is also where we fall out of love. Indeed, our ancient reward circuitry, which all mammals share, has far more say in our love lives than the rational part of the brain. This primitive circuitry plays an unsuspected role in compulsive behaviors, too, such as porn addiction (a topic Cupid addresses with refreshing practicality, and not a shred of moralizing).
Our reward circuitry doesn't operate on logic. Good intentions, and even vows, mean nothing to it. It operates on cues, that is, behaviors that deliver subconscious signals, bypassing the rational brain. Cupid uncovers the "poisoned arrow," that is, the prime signal that gradually erodes mutual desire and puts the primitive brain on guard. As it turns out, discerning lovers throughout history have shielded their romances from this threat by learning to make love differently. Cupid also reveals which signals increase the desire to remain close, making it easier for mates to enjoy lasting harmony.
With greater knowledge of these two sets of behavioral cues, lovers are no longer at the mercy of Cupid (their genetic programming). Not only can they aim for the romance they want, they will also understand how their sex life affects other aspects of their day-to-day lives.
Cupid also explores how lovemaking habits influence the levels of key neurochemicals, such as dopamine, prolactin and oxytocin. As these neurochemicals fluctuate, so do our mood, libido and outlook. These subconscious changes play unsuspected roles in how we perceive our mates - for better and for worse, depending upon how we manage our sex lives.
Cupid's Poisoned Arrow is a skillful blend of understandable science, informative personal reports and light-hearted humor, which make for enjoyable, thought-provoking reading. Between its chapters, curious readers will also find intriguing essays about various traditions (Taoism, Christianity, Buddhism, cortezia, karezza, etc.). These reveal little known, and often remarkable, clues about the hidden potential that lies in our sexual relationships.
"Marnia Robinson's courageous book seriously challenges conventional 'wisdom' about human sexual interactions. It is as antithetical to modern cultural beliefs about sexual behavior as Galileo's treatise was to astronomy." -A.J. Reid Finlayson, MD, Division of Addiction Medicine, Department of Psychiatry, Vanderbilt University School of Medicine