Sexual Love: How biology dissolves it and what we can do to protect it
Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow: From Habit to Harmony in Sexual Relationships
09.28.2009 – "Radical, compelling, vexing. I can't stop thinking about this book." -UCLA biology professor Jay Phelan, PhD, co-author of Mean Genes
"I can honestly say that I have never read a more accessible and well laid out description of the brain’s reward circuitry. Combine that with the experiential, practical and spiritual dimensions of Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow and it is virtually impossible to walk away from it without believing that Marnia Robinson really is on to something significant in the field of human relationships and sexual behaviour." -Dr. Russell Razzaque, London Consultant Psychiatrist
In recent years, we've heard a lot about how the brain in love triggers neurochemical reactions for infatuation, lust and attachment. Too often, however, those phases don't last and are followed by boredom, irritability, heartache, the urge to self-medicate with drugs or alcohol--and attraction to new potential mates. Marnia Robinson's latest book, Cupid's Poisoned Arrow: From Habit to Harmony in Sexual Relationships, zeroes in on this untold part of the story: how and why biology dissolves our romances, and what we can do about it.
Cupid turns conventional sex advice on its head. Yet its innovative ideas for sustaining intimate relationships are carefully grounded in:
--Recent neuroscience discoveries
--Forgotten wisdom from cultures worldwide and
--The personal experience of couples and singles who share their stories in the book
The part of the brain where we fall in love (the limbic system) is also where we fall out of love. Indeed, our ancient reward circuitry, which all mammals share, has far more say in our love lives than the rational part of the brain. This primitive circuitry plays an unsuspected role in compulsive behaviours, too, such as porn addiction (a topic Cupid addresses with refreshing practicality, and not a shred of moralising).
Our reward circuitry doesn't operate on logic. Good intentions, and even vows, mean nothing to it. It operates on cues, that is, behaviours that deliver subconscious signals, bypassing the rational brain. Cupid uncovers the "poisoned arrow," that is, the prime signal that gradually erodes mutual desire and puts the primitive brain on threat alert. As it turns out, discerning lovers throughout history have shielded their romances from this threat by learning to make love differently. Cupid also reveals which signals increase the desire to remain close, making it easier for mates to enjoy lasting harmony.
With greater knowledge of these two sets of behavioural cues, lovers are no longer at the mercy of Cupid (their genetic programming). They can aim for the romance they want. They will also understand how their sex life affects other aspects of their day-to-day lives, and even how they can use sex to ease addictive cravings.
Cupid's Poisoned Arrow also explores how lovemaking habits may influence the levels of key neurochemicals, such as dopamine, prolactin and oxytocin. As these neurochemicals fluctuate, so do our mood, libido and outlook. These subconscious changes play unsuspected roles in how we perceive our mates - for better and for worse, depending upon how we manage our sex lives.
Cupid is a skillful blend of understandable science, informative personal reports and light-hearted humour, which make for enjoyable, thought-provoking reading. Between its chapters, curious readers will also find intriguing essays about various traditions (Taoism, Christianity, Buddhism, cortezia, karezza, etc.). These reveal little known, and often remarkable, clues about the hidden potential that lies in our sexual relationships.
"Marnia Robinson's courageous book seriously challenges conventional 'wisdom' about human sexual interactions. It is as antithetical to modern cultural beliefs about sexual behavior as Galileo's treatise was to astronomy." -A.J. Reid Finlayson, MD, Division of Addiction Medicine, Department of Psychiatry, Vanderbilt University School of Medicine
- Twitter Pitch
- Could what we don't know about sex be eroding our relationships without our awareness?
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- News Facts
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- The force that brings lovers together can eventually push them apart. The culprit is a program in the primitive part of the brain.
- Did you know that brain scans of orgasm resemble brain scans of shooting heroin? What goes up must come down.
- By making love often, but smarter, lovers may be able to counter depression, anxiety and disharmony, and ease addiction.
- Stay in love the easy way by mastering an old subconscious language - bonding behaviours.
- Hooked on porn? Find out how your brain learned this behaviour, and how to retrain it.
- Resource Links
- Radio interview with Marnia (MP3)
- Read Chapter One
- Visit Marnia's blog on 'Psychology Today'
- Share via
- More Cupid's Poisoned Arrow News
- Can Too Much Sex Ruin Your Relationship?
- Why Does the Honeymoon End--And What Can We Do?
- The Lazy Way to Stay in Love
- Orgasm's Hidden Cycle
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